We type things we would never utter out loud and share things best left unsaid to a silent mass of "friends," who are afraid to leave an electronic stamp that says, "You sound like a douche."
In this joyous spirit, I've developed the 2013 Facebook Resolutions for the World. Let's all just agree to agree to follow them before Zuckaberg gets wise and requires permits for accounts. After all, you can do almost as much damage to yourself with a fb account as you can with a weapon.
2013 FACEBOOK RESOLUTIONS FOR THE WORLD
1. Wait six months before changing your relationship status and tagging your new pal on your wall. Don't tag his family until you're married and, even then, think it through.
2. Do not refer to yourself using a nickname you penned. A not-so-faux example might be, "Who is the marketing maven behind this?!" when said poster is a girl named Rene who appears to believe she is a 'marketing maven.'
3. Don't share the vessel from which you imbibe your alcohol if said vessel is a glass boot, keg, or beer stein the size of your head. The internet never forgets.
4. Do not post about how powerful and important you are at work. Everybody is and nobody cares.
5. No more instagramming. This isn't a 1970s movie, it's your life.
6. Either be a causehead or don't. If your focus is babies and food don't blitzkreig your thoughts on politics, gun control, or fiscal cliffs.
7. No more pics of food. Are you trying to make me feel bad about my grilled cheese? Mission accomplished.
8. The internet called. It's tired of hosting artsy self-portraits. No more pics of the day.
9. During major milestones and celebrations, GET OFF FACEBOOK, and go experience your life! Don't be the girl posting about being stood up at the altar instead of hiring an assassin. Yes, she exists. I know her.
Number 10 is open for you to add the rule you'd like to see enforced. See, I'm flexible.
So, Happy New Year, everyone! Let's make it the least annoying year on facebook!