Sunday, December 1, 2013

The 24 Month Ages and Stages Questionnaire.

Last week my son turned two which meant I found myself staring down 30 absurd questions in the pediatrician's waiting room while my son screamed, in a friendly manner, at the fish tank.

18 Month Ages & Stages Questionnaire, you were ridiculous.

24 Month ASQ, you're not off the hook, either.

As I did with your sister survey, I'd like to provide more detail than your fill-in-the-blank responses allow and offer amicable suggestions for your questions, where applicable.

Your instructions suggest the parent try the activities when [the] child is cooperative.
You want this done before said child reaches age 3, yes? Then perhaps there should be only one question that asks, "Is your child currently yelling at a saltwater fish tank in a friendly tone?" Otherwise, forego the helpful tip.

You ask Does your child turn the pages of a book by herself?
This is a waste of ink as there is no other option for a 24 month old. Don't believe me? Try telling your toddler that, as we learned on the previous page, Brown Bear espies a red $^%& bird, not a white dog and then try to flip back the pages his quick, but inaccurate fingers, skipped over. Toddler rage leaves a mark, especially when board books are in play.

You ask Does your child use a turning motion with his hand to turn doorknobs?
Oh come on! Is this like the 200 points given for putting a name on the SAT? Either throw this one back in the 18 month survey or stop asking it like every damn door in the house doesn't have one of those round balls on it to keep the resident 24 month-old from escaping time-out or heading to the
park on his own. The snide reminder that we currently run an insane asylum is not appreciated.

You ask Can your child string small items such as beads, macaroni, or pasta "wagon wheels" onto a string or shoelace?
Am I a $%&# camp counselor or a parent? Should we start whittling an Adirondack chair using 10 logs and a Play-doh knife for the three year questionnaire? Next question.

You ask for a second time if my child can turn a bottle upside down and drop out the Cheerio I place in it.
Here's the thing, ASQ. If I couldn't answer this back at 18 months, there is no earthly way I can at 24. Cheerios go immediately in his little Elmo bowl or in his little mouth. You're asking me to take a bottle over the head when you ask me to place the Cheerio there. I'm no lawyer, but Moms Who Have Been Hit With Bottles v. The ASQ is in your future if you don't remove this gem.

You ask Does your child eat with a fork?
This is a great question! However, to get what you need, you might define eat. Does it include pounding the fork on the table, tossing the fork on the floor, and using the fork to deposit food in one's hair? Just sayin'. If you want accurate results your query must be specific and based on the wild popularity of squeezable applesauce, I'd infer your results on this question are not statistically accurate.