Sunday, December 30, 2012

New Year's Facebook Resolutions For Everyone.

We all need a little help.  Take a scroll through facebook and you'll find instagrammed people more concerned with crafting a perfect life for the internet than living one.  

We type things we would never utter out loud and share things best left unsaid to a silent mass of "friends," who are afraid to leave an electronic stamp that says, "You sound like a douche." 

In this joyous spirit, I've developed the 2013 Facebook Resolutions for the World.  Let's all just agree to agree to follow them before Zuckaberg gets wise and requires permits for accounts.  After all, you can do almost as much damage to yourself with a fb account as you can with a weapon.


1.  Wait six months before changing your relationship status and tagging your new pal on your wall.  Don't tag his family until you're married and, even then, think it through.

2.  Do not refer to yourself using a nickname you penned.  A not-so-faux example might be, "Who is the marketing maven behind this?!" when said poster is a girl named Rene who appears to believe she is a 'marketing maven.'  

3.  Don't share the vessel from which you imbibe your alcohol if said vessel is a glass boot, keg, or beer stein the size of your head.  The internet never forgets.

4.  Do not post about how powerful and important you are at work.  Everybody is and nobody cares.

5.  No more instagramming.  This isn't a 1970s movie, it's your life. 

6.  Either be a causehead or don't.  If your focus is babies and food don't blitzkreig your thoughts on politics, gun control, or fiscal cliffs.

7.  No more pics of food.  Are you trying to make me feel bad about my grilled cheese?  Mission accomplished.  

8.  The internet called.  It's tired of hosting artsy self-portraits.  No more pics of the day.  

9.  During major milestones and celebrations, GET OFF FACEBOOK, and go experience your life!  Don't be the girl posting about being stood up at the altar instead of hiring an assassin.  Yes, she exists.  I know her.


Number 10 is open for you to add the rule you'd like to see enforced.  See, I'm flexible.

So, Happy New Year, everyone!  Let's make it the least annoying year on facebook! 



  1. 10: Stop oversharing. I do not need to know what your child's bodily fluids look like or what they did. I also don't need to know the minute details of your delivery. (see:


    10: Stop trying to shove your religion down my throat. I don't accept it in person, and I don't accept it on my web. If you persist in posting only religious images, you're going to get hidden and I won't see ANYTHING. Is that what you want? IS IT??? (Not you. Certain people on my wall.)

  2. I feel like we are the only couple left who is not on facebook but when I am with my friends, I get caught up on who, what, when and where because evidently it is all there for the world to see. I have 15 and 13 year old nieces and one was with me when her boyfriend called to say it was over... she had to get on the computer asap to change her status and I was thankful at that moment that I was a teen when the coolest thing to have was a big, bulky bag phone! Times have changed...

  3. Love your #9 - so true!!
    Happy New Year! I hope 2013 is filled with only great health and happiness!

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