Sunday, September 2, 2012

Illegal Alien.

Dear Dallas,

Hi there from one of your greenest residents.

I love moving to new cities, especially when the city is in a badass state like Texas.  My last stint was in Kentucky, a difficult place to admit living thanks to the banjo-playing mountaineer stereotype the name conjures.  Prior to the bluegrass, Illinois, Massachusetts, and New York were my very vanilla addresses, but Texas is going to give my zip some pizzazz.

Here's the deal, Dallas.  I want to be a legitimate Texan.  My name is Annie.  Texans like guns.  Do you see the stars aligning?

However, since I'm only a month-long resident, I need help understanding some of your eccentricities.  My list of questions is below.

1.  Who owns the longhorns in the fields next to major highways?  Authentic cowboys or the Texas Tourism Department?

2.  What's up with all the wetbars?  Why can't drinks be made in the kitchen?

3.  Is that high school football stadium in Allen for the Allen Eagles or the Philadelphia Eagles?

4.  90 degrees isn't really a cold snap, right?

5.  Is it a state law that every US restaurant chain must have at least one store within your borders?

6.  Is it your dream to sprawl so far you become a suburb of Oklahoma City?

Thank you for your time and hospitality.  I look forward to getting to know you and all your quirky charm!

annie




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