Monday, July 16, 2012

Name Game.

Dear Pottery Barn Kids,

I still own nothing with your logo and hope to keep it this way for a long time.

The other night, however, as I was eating my grilled cheese in the glorious silence of a house that holds a teething baby in its walls, I opened up your catalogue to review the current trends in generic nurseries. I saw what I expected: some nautical elements and monogramming gone wild. Thanks for not wowing me with something creative that would make me rethink my position.

After flipping through, I have a request.  

Stop ruining names. 

A name on one of your bags, towels, or walls is its kiss of death! Emma, Mason, Jackson, Olivia, and Aiden are cute names that used to be original, but once in your pages they become as common as a mom with a blog. 

I know, I know.  You have reams of data to help you choose the names that grace your catalogue covers and this research indicate which will increase sales amongst your not incredibly original core consumer.  I bet she even has a name within your corporate headquarters.  Possibly Lisa?   

I grew up in the 80s and 90s, during the Jennifer/Lisa/Katie phenomenon and I fear we are about to repeat it with Emma/Lucy/Sofia.  No one wants that.  Not the Jens and Katies who had to differentiate themselves from the other three same-named girls in their class with their last initial or their friends who had to ask their Moms to call as Lisa R., Lisa B., Emily M., or Emily S. to come over and play.

You have the power to make roll call different for an entire generation!

Let’s remove Mason, Aubrey, Aiden, and Lucy from your pages.  I cannot take one more facebook announcement from parents claiming to “love Lucy,” their latest addition.  You are KILLING creativity everywhere.

Where the trendy names leave holes on your pages, add in some classics.  John, Sarah, Elizabeth, and Joseph will look great on backpacks and towels and you will have no impact on the popularity of these eternally classic, non-trendy names.  For God’s sake, “John” has been in the Top 10 since Jesus was baptized. 

Not convinced that you are having a material impact on naming trends?  Ok, let’s go a different route. 

Find your most jaded slash humorous copywriter.  Tell him or her they have complete control over the names in your Holiday 2012 issue and wait for it.  2013 will be the year Rumpelstiltskin and Elphaba make an appearance in the Top 10 Baby Names.  

If you are able to pull off this feat of lunacy and awesomeness, I will buy an embroidered blanket with my baby's name.  There is NO WAY I'm telling you what it is until he has at least one best friend named Rumpelstiltskin. 



  1. SOOO true. I loved the name Sofia, but when I realized how popular it was right now, it immediately got ix-nayed from the list. I HOPE HOPE HOPE that Stella doesn't move up the popularity list anytime soon.

  2. OMG. And now I have PB Kids ads popping up on my screen. They are aggressive!

  3. Replies
    1. Elphie for short is incredibly cute! Wait and will be on a PB Kids towel!

  4. I hope that Quinn doesn't end up on there. I already get asinine things said to me like "you must really like Glee..." NO! BTW I have a son! Ugh!

  5. Thank goodness I was wise and named my daughter an eternally classic name so she doesn't grace the pages of Pottery Barn...