Questions for the 18 Month Ages & Stages Questionnaire.

18 Month Ages & Stages Questionnaire (ASQ), let me ask you this, are you real? In front of me are six pages of judgmental and absurd questions to which I am only given room to respond "Yes, Sometimes, or Not Yet."

Were I a more crazy, 2013, responsible parent, I may have had you all filled out before we arrived at the doctor's office. Hell, I may have even read and/or printed you before then, but I didn't. That's not how I roll.

Instead, I did my best to choose your terse response options all-the-while wanting to add context for you and get needed clarification on the more obtuse and/or asinine questions.

Since there are no forced choice bubbles here, I am going to use this space to add some context and ask some clarifying questions. I filled you out, so please, do me the courtesy and read what I have to say.

When your child wants something, does she tell you by pointing to it?
I responded "Yes" but feel you need to know he doesn't just point. He whines, jabs, screams, and eventually shrieks the object's name like a hyena in heat. For the full experience, ASQ, please meet me in front of the cookie aisle at Target.

Does your child climb an object such as a chair to reach something he wants. For example to get a toy on the counter or to "help" you in the kitchen?
I responded "Yes" but need to confirm, in order to take you seriously at 24 Months, that the help in quotes was ironic. You don't think 18-Month-Olds really help, do you, ASQ?

Does your child make a mark on the paper with the tip of a crayon (or pencil or pen) when trying to draw?
I answered "Yes" but this isn't limited to paper, right? My son rarely writes on paper with the tip of a crayon, but he's got walls, windows, and tables covered.

After a crumb or Cheerio is dropped into a small, clear bottle, does your child turn the bottle over to dump it out?
I left this one blank. What the hell kind of toddler science experiment is this? I didn't know I was supposed to be dropping Cheerios into small, clear bottles and watching the outcome instead of reading books or going to the park.

Also, is this questionnaire backed by General Mills? Seems suspect that Cheerios is the only brand mentioned in this entire survey. Holy $hit, their Brand Team is good.

Does your child get your attention or try to show you something by pulling on your hand or clothes?
I answered "Yes" and want my son to receive bonus points for pulling my pants all the way down if I'm wearing my drawstring pajamas.

Does your child drink from a cup or glass, putting it down again with little spilling?
I answered "Sometimes" which was a bit of a fib. I was afraid a  "Not Yet" would be an express ticket to remedial math but I'm ready to come clean. The answer is No. There is no flipping way my 18 month old ever even gets a chance to drink from a cup and set it down himself. Seriously, do you spend ANY time with toddlers and/or do you enjoy cleaning up spilled lemonade and milk? Get it together, ASQ.

Does your child copy the activities you do, such as wipe up a spill, sweep, shave, or comb hair?
This is simply outlandish. There is no need to comment on my cleaning ability, shaving freqency, or hairstyling status, ASQ. Stop trying to make it about the parents.