Wednesday, May 29, 2013

I'll Take Witches In The Woods Over Crowns Any Day.

I know all the words to The Crown On Your Head. I've been testing it out, looking only at the pictures while reading it to my son, and after a 10th consecutive perfect reading, I'm calling it.

I don't know what this newfound "skill" is worth, and skill is a stretch, although I do fantasize that someday I'll be trapped by evil people who will only set me free if I can accurately complete a line from the book. It's a pipe dream inspired by Goonies.

After saying the words over and over, I've deduced that this book has been around much longer than the few years the publisher claims because it's the precursor to Marx's Communist Manifesto.

Everyone has a crown and no one's is brighter, no one's is duller, it's only a crown of a different color?

My ass some crowns aren't brighter than others. I tried to explain to my son that crowns aren't really equal and if he wanted his to shine bright he was going to have to work his little behind off to make it so but my husband told me it was a nice thought. Sure, and in theory, communism is a nice system.

Why can't we have more stories like the terrifying version of Hansel & Gretel we endured growing up. Remember that? Let me refresh your memories.

The stepmother leads the kids into the woods and leaves them for dead, not once, but twice. The first time they find their way back because resourceful Hansel, with a crown as bright as a stadium light, left a trail of marbles behind. Not tipped off that his wife is trying to kill his children, the woodsman, whose crown resembles a firefly's light, heeds her suggestion to go back into the woods the next day. This time, the bluejays, with crowns brighter than Hansel's, eat their trail home and they are trapped.

They stop at a fairy tale cottage in the woods (fairy tale is redundant, I know) where they are put to work like house elves and fattened up so the elderly occupant can EAT THEM. Her crown is marginally brighter than the woodsman's because she's getting away with cannibalism.

Eventually, Hansel uses his kick-ass crown to get them out and shove the witch/cannibal woman in the oven. They find their dad, who with some intellectual aid from the bluejay, got suspicious when his wife suggested they go to Sandals St. Lucia to celebrate the children's disappearance and got rid of her. Bad guys lose, good guys win, no equal crowns.

Can't we go back to that?

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