Monday, October 8, 2012

Writing A Great Resume.

If you're looking for a job, you need a resume.  To get a resume you have to force yourself to sit down and write the damn thing or plagiarize one from linkedin and change the name at the top.  Your choice.

Despite not being sure whether my next steps are a new corporate ladder or a cute etsy shop, I worked on my resume last week.

The side of me that is an unabashed corporate drone and professional seller of wares has an incredibly annoying habit of squeezing in what I used to do when I meet people.  "Oh, you know the [insert name of brand I used to work for here] ad on TV right now?  That's mine.  Well, it's my team's," I say like a complete JACKASS because my old office probably already smells like the new guy in it who, yes, I looked up on linked in.

This girl needs to let go a little.

The drink coffee, write, spend your days playing with your baby and going to Target side of me was mildly rude to  Deanna, my assigned spousal relocation counselor when she suggested I update my resume but I did so nonetheless because I follow rules well.  While crafting bullet points about strategy, sales results, and inspirational coaching, though, I remembered that my office frequently felt like a jail cell and pitied the new guy in it.

The first draft of my resume captures my betwixt and between status.

High on caffeine during naptime and feeling inspired by the little man who was upstairs running plastic cups against his crib rails instead of napping, I chuckled and hit "send" with this included in my draft resume:

  • Expertise in product marketing, developing strategy, battling bullshit, fighting with R&D, ignoring Consumer Insights, and delivering positive same store sales.

My professional half made sure to include action words, buzzwords, and results but even her polished corporate poise couldn't keep the other half at bay.

Best. Resume. Ever.


  1. Replies
    1. And if you thought it was funny, I'd accept! We'd work just great together.

  2. Great buzzwords. I especially like the ignoring Consumer Insights. :)

  3. Love it! I feel there is a great need for more people experienced in battling bullshit, there's so much out there! I was actually thinking about resumes too as I want to go back into the workforce next year. I don't know how to spin wiping noses for 4 years into something I could get hired for.

    1. How about:

      - Appointed Chief Operating Officer in 2008
      - Managed ad hoc requests, firedrills, and tasks on a daily basis to keep organization running smoothly
      - Responsible for development and education of direct reports.

  4. You know that's exactly the kind of resume that catches people's eye, don't you? I'm interviewing for a position right now, and if I saw that on a resume that was generally relevant, I'd probably contact you for a phone screen, just to see what you were like.

    So, what ARE your plans? Are you looking for f/t work? P/t? Not sure what/when?

    1. I think it might actually work for me! It's about as honest as a resume can get.

      I am not sure - I am talking to my relocation counselor today about something less stressful than brand marketing that will still keep me in the mix when I'm ready for something stressful again. Not sure what that is yet.

  5. Bwhaha. Laughing at the resume but also because you DID say that to me when we met! I thought it was cool, not jackassy at all.

    When your little man is bigger, around 16 months, it does feel less mundane and useless. Before Georgia turned 1 and shortly thereafter, I dabbled with going back to work and even picked up some side CPA gigs for small businesses. Now she keeps me a lot busier and we have way more fun than we did when she wasn't yet mobile. Once he's actually interested in things around him and able to interact with them, your job is a lot more rewarding.

    Where I used to wake up and count hours until the next naptime, now I find myself wondering when she will wake up from naptime so we can go do something fun. :)

    1. I said it to one of my new neighbors, too, and realized it's got to stop! I don't wan't to be someone who forever talks about who they used to be. Yuck.

      I can see the silver lining - no major career decisions for a few more months.

  6. I thought about making a totally rediculous and outlandish birth plan to give to my OB. Just to make her laugh and/or shit herself.
    A little humor goes a long way.

  7. Skip etsy, how about an ebook on writing a resume? :]

  8. Ha! I actually used to help people write their resumes for fun, so despite my snarky summary, I am not too bad at writing them.

    Love the idea of an ebook. I just started one called, "WTF? This Cape Doesn't Work? How to Fly with your Baby, Supermom."