Pretend for a moment you are headed to the Cape this weekend for a vacation, you have a seven month old, a perfectly staged house on the market, a husband who currently spends the week in Dallas working and searching for houses, a smelly Golden Retriever, a dog walker who is conveniently out of town for the next several weeks, and a neon "No Vacancy" sign at every kennel within 30 miles.
Riddle me this: what the eff do you do?
We are going to figure this out together by playing Standardized Choose Your Own Adventure, a fun, new game that is a hybrid of the last SAT question in the math section and the Choose Your Own Adventure books that we read growing up and now frequently cite at work when things are going haywire in a, "Is this choose your own adventure day?" manner. Come on! I can't be the only child of the 80s doing this.
Your dog has nowhere to stay and is the reason you have to vacuum twice a day. It's also getting weird to keep pawning him off on the neighbors during showings. They are cat people.
A. Pay the high school girl next door $500 a day to watch him while you're gone.
B. "Accidentally" leave the backyard gate open.
C. Remove him from the situation.
You choose C. You are just going to get him out of the house. Onto the next.
Great decision! Now you have to decide where your dog goes. Do you:
A. Move him down to Dallas early and put him in long-term doggie daycare.
B. Send him to summer camp.
C. Tell the lady across the street it's time to put her money where her mouth is. All these years she's been telling you she wishes she had a dog as nice as yours. Now she does.
You choose B. The dog is going to summer camp, also known has your parent's house in Upstate NY. Please continue.
Dogs love camp! Great choice! Now you just have get him there. Will you:
A. Drive him there.
B. Give him the legally allowed number of doggie prozac pills and put that pup on a plane.
C. Put an "Upstate or Bust" sign around his neck and wish him well.
You choose A. Brave woman! Did you forget you have a baby? Keep going.
In addition to a huge, smelly dog whose body blocks your view out the car's back window, you have a seven month old who needs to be fed, changed, and generally amused frequently. What do you do now, genius?
A. Cancel your flight, book your mom a one way ticket down to you, drive back to NY with a full house: mom, baby, smelly dog.
B. Cancel the whole damn thing. This is confusing!
C. Teach the dog to prep and serve bottles.
You consider C, but choose A. Thank God for Grandma!
All good things, including vacation, must come to an end. How will you return home when it's over?
A. Leave the dog in NY and fly back.
B. Just never leave NY.
C. Some combination of A&B.
This is obvious. You choose C. As a rule of thumb, always go for the combo answers; more adventure per letter! You have a moment of clarity before choosing C in which you realize there is no good reason for you to stay at your on-the-market home, by yourself, with a baby and grosses of dog hair that must be vacuumed daily for showings. It's NY or bust for you, the baby, AND the dog. You will summer there and make several househunting trips to Dallas and a few back to your hopefully-sold house to close and move! Outstanding!
Might you be moving in with your parents and jamming a pack 'n play into your childhood bedroom next to your CD player and swim trophies? You bet, but consider it another adventure that most who are not 16 and pregnant will never traverse!
Thanks for playing! Please mark your calendars for the next round which will we'll play in mid-late August called, "How to Fly the Nest and Move to Dallas With a Dog and a Baby."