Monday, May 19, 2014

To the Emergency Room! Twice.

There are times when you proclaim to the world you will write more and then sit for weeks waiting for content to fall from the sky and other times when you do so and the content tree suddenly blooms to life. I am experiencing the latter.

My two-and-a-half year old made his maiden voyage to the Emergency Room (ER) last week. I was inside and heard his blood-curdling scream. Ten seconds later my husband and he stormed in the house, both covered with his blood. Pretty soon, we were all covered in blood and five minutes later a new babysitter, on her way to meet the family, arrived.

"We're not normally bloody," I said lest she think there were bodies in the basement, and then asked her if she could stay with the baby while we took the boy to the ER. They glued him back together and we were on our way, our little boy happy that the incident got his parents' full attention for the first time in three months and my husband and I wondering if we could find that glue on Amazon.

Fast forward to this weekend. From the baby's room, I heard my two-year-old's blood-curdling scream from the bathroom and walked in to find him and my husband covered in blood. He'd slipped in the tub and had a deep gash on his chin.

"Ooh," I pantomimed to my husband, "that needs a stitch." Now, I've never seen a cut that definitely needs a stitch, but I did start my college career as a Pre-Med student. Combine that with my Mom Instinct and I'm practically a doctor.

My husband scooped him up, got him dressed, and headed out. He was upset that the little boy had been hurt again but the little guy was excited for some good old one-on-one emergency room time with Daddy.

With two ER visits behind us in just as many weeks, I have many unanswered questions like:

1. No, really. Where is that glue on Amazon?

2.What do I tell Child Protective Services when they show up at my door because they think we like to push our kids down the stairs for fun?
[Sidenote: If you've arrived here because you just googled, "Pushing kids down the stairs for fun" so you can go all Spider-Man vigilante on the sick bastards who do this, re-read the context. You're in the wrong spot!] 

3. Where do I get my ER Loyalty card?

The first two will solve themselves. Child Protective Services will see the bruises up and down my leg that match the parts and pieces of all the baby-holding apparatuses strewn about and immediately understand this is a genetic thing. Super glue will work in a pinch if Amazon hasn't gotten into the medical products game yet but what about the third question? Is there really no ER Loyalty card (she asked with the same gravitas of Carrie Bradshaw typing mind-blowing relationship questions across the TV screen)?

Emergency Rooms, why have you not figured this out? Moms love loyalty programs and you see, all moms have kids. A large percentage of these kids spend childhood in your waiting rooms. The ER that gives their mom an app to clock points is the only ER she's going to.

Start with "Make Five Visits in Three Months and Your Sixth Is On Us" as a test and go from there.

Don't believe this will work?

I get points at Gap and Old Navy to buy more kids clothes. Oh, ok, I'll be honest. I use those more-often-than-not over at Piper Lime to reward myself with new shoes for kicking-ass at motherhood.

I get free hummus or tabbouleh almost every time I eat at Zoe's.

I get discounts on Amazon commodity purchases  (read: diapers & wipes) because I purchase with such frequency.

My lifetime value as a mom of two young boy is ENORMOUS to you. Make me consider you the way I consider the place offering me a free Greek Salad and I will be your loyal customer until the end of time.


  1. Yikes! Hope he takes a break from the ER soon.

    We've only gone once and that was for dehydration, so not only did it not involve blood, but no urine either.

    1. Thanks and so do we, although he did tell me it was "really fun" going and he got a purple popsicle. I should probably just stock up on purple popsicles so he doesn't start throwing himself down the stairs.