Monday, October 28, 2013

2nd Trimester Superfoods.

The other day, feeling a bit masochistic, I perused the internet for information on the second trimester.

I found a tidbit that I had not come across in my first pregnancy: during the second trimester, women are highly prone to yeast infections.

Wow universe, you are clearly a chauvinistic asshole if the the trauma 'round-the-corner for this general area isn't enough to keep you satisfied.

Anyway, this knowledge struck fear in my heart. I've only experienced the joy of this lovely female plight once before. It was the summer of 2005. I was living in Chicago and spending far too much time in a bathing suit on North Ave Beach and running dozens of miles along the lakefront in the humid mid-Western air. By the time I acted on my condition, dough rose when I walked by and antibiotics were needed for the cure.

Not ever wanting to relive this, my google search took a turn to "preventative measures". Given that real medications and pregnancy oftentimes don't mix, I found a slew of "natural" precautions. My opinion on non-Western medicine has not changed, but I was willing to learn about the roots, ginkoba, and berries that might save me from my plight of that uncomfortable summer so long ago.

Greek yogurt was the first thing that popped up. "Easy," I thought to myself, "I like yogurt, I'll increase my servings." I read on and, to my horror, found the word, "Insert" prefacing the word "yogurt" mid paragraph. My jaw dropped and I laughed so hard my shoulders shook realizing this article does not suggest the yogurt enter through one's mouth.

My Vanilla Oikos is not going up my crotch. I don't want to be the person remembered at the hospital for delivering a yogurt-glazed loaf of bread.

The next preventative measure listed was garlic and I knew, before I read, where the article would like it shoved. With a straight-face, it suggested peeling a clove or two and delicately jamming it up the lady parts. Worried about losing the garlic in your uterus? Don't be! The website said it will eventually fall out.

This would be one way to make a cervix check more uncomfortable.

"Well, you're 2.5 centimeters dilated and these two bulbs of marinated garlic in my hand indicate your child will be perfectly seasoned."

Instead of following this advice, I will take my chances that pregnancy sticks to affecting my shape, weight, hair, nails, teeth, ankles, back, and feet and lets the body part that got us here rest in peace. It doesn't deserve the yogurt.

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